FEAR!!! I’d like to be absolutely transparent in my fear. I am not Brave, I am not Courageous, I am not Confident. Most of my days, I battle self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. There are days I look in the mirror and I feel afraid. I portray self-confidence, but it is a mask I wear well Now I will take off the mask and talk about something that scares me. This something makes me stumble and trip with feelings of inadequacy and ability. Here it is:
I can barely say that out loud without it sounding crazy in my ears. Seriously, I’m adopting a special needs child I’ve never met from Bulgaria and it will cost $24,000.00. And let’s really top this: I have 5 children already. Okay, let’s go one better. My youngest son is having facial reconstruction later this year. And you know what? I am okay. God is here and I know he has called me out beyond the shore into the waves. I am standing in the waves and I’m okay. He has made me Brave, he has made me Courageous. I serve the King who conquered a giant through a small shepherd boy and a slingshot. He turned dry bones into flesh. A Messiah who rose from the dead. And Praise GOD HE lives in me. I am BRAVE because He makes me Brave. I am learning that it’s okay to be afraid or unsure. God works through the weak and the impossible. So in my weakness and insecurity, God can use me.
And as a gentle reminder I look at my beautiful family that has been made even more beautiful through adoption. Ask me 8 years ago and I would have been afraid to adopt three medical children. My children’s faces are a constant reminder that I AM BRAVE and COURAGEOUS because God can use even me. And look at the absolute blessing and gift I received by listening to His voice and stepping out.
So when I am fearful, I look at the videos of my little boy, Dylan, and I have no doubts. Our Dylan will come with challenges and difficulties, but he’s our little boy. We will love him because we are loved. So hold on Gagnon family, God has chosen a glorious new adventure for us!
Many have asked where we are at with everything. Here is my best answer…. International adoption is a slow process. We are almost done with our home study and have begun filling out an enormous amount of paperwork called a dossier. Truly an overwhelming experience. In a few months, I will fly to Bulgaria and get to meet our son! Then I will have to fly back without him and do more paperwork. Then we wait some more……. All said and done, we hope it will be 9 months out. But I better tell my heart it is a year. Financially, we have raised $9000.00! I have been blown away by the love and support of everyone. When we first began this process, I was so concerned about the financial end. Everyone’s love and support has been truly inspiring. I feel like Dylan is being adopted by a community! I have also received support and information about his medical needs and how best to meet those upon arrival. THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!! I can’t wait for Dylan to share in the love of family, friends and community.