WE cannot use a behaviorist approach when dealing with trauma.
Let me tell you, I was skilled at it. As an educator, I knew how to use rewards and consequences to keep my students on task and engaged. I could move clips to green and red, and give stickers and treats. I prided myself that I never sent a student to the principal’s office…nope I dealt with issues in the classroom. I used my authority to reward, to consequence and ultimately to control my students.
I would sit and listen to parents talk about how their child was out of control, adhd, defiant, and destructive, distractible, impulsive…and if I had dug a bit deeper, I may have seen a correlation. The boy with adhd and an anger issue on the playground had a father in prison, the girl who daydreamed and never finished her work was living in her third foster placement, and the list went on.
I lived in the state of not-quite-getting-it for many years because I was doing the job I had been trained to do.
I thought I knew what I was doing…until I had a child live in my home with complex trauma. It was then that I realized I knew absolutely NOTHING about trauma and how it alters the brain and affects the way children behave and learn.
Instead, I relied on what I had learned in college and with my biological children. In my mind, if a child would not behave, you used consequences or rewards to ‘make them’ behave. And I look back and I’m kind of sick thinking about the mistakes I made ‘controlling’ my class. Because statistics tell me that 40% of the children in my class had been affected by ACES (adverse childhood experiences) – such as abuse and neglect, and this means their brains had been taught to process stress differently. The students with trauma, were just trying to survive, and my behaviorist approach was merely ‘consequencing’ the behavior, not addressing the underlying ailment. And being the parent of children who had grown up with their needs met and no trauma, I was winning at parenting. Because the behaviorist method worked for my kids. If I sent them to their room; they went. If I caught them telling a lie; they admitted it with tears. If I gave them the ‘mom look’ they stopped in their tracks. I was a great parent, until I had kids from hard places and suddenly I was floundering.
We will call him Johnny. Johnny denied lying even when holding the evidence, he did not stay in timeout and the ‘mom look’ was a challenge for him to up his game. So in turn, I turned up the punishment and it didn’t work. In fact, it made things worse. I tried to remove the ‘currency of the realm’, you know the tangible item that would make them behave. I took away electronics. Nope, didn’t work. I took away his favorite toy. Nope, didn’t work. And after awhile I realized that rewards and consequences were making things worse and actually the punishment became mine as the behaviors escalated.
I WAS PUNISHING FEAR, instead of calming distress.
I learned through many failures that I had to use relationship and communication as the currency, and to parent their emotional age; not their chronological. How do I do this in my home, let me share with you what I have learned.
The environment has to function as the frontal lobes and I learned to do this through absolute Routine, Consistency and Structure. In my home we have become incredibly routine and we have to prepare our kids for the day. I learned this while teaching; my students wanted to know what was going to happen throughout the day, so I put the schedule on the board and I didn’t deviate. I implemented procedures for every simple thing…like how to sharpen your pencil, what to do when you were finished with your work, etc. This might seem mind numbing, but kids thrive on this. So we did this in our home. We also stuck to a bath and bedtime routine. Our kid were in bed by 7:30, and the house was calm. Our children were calm.
I also learned that I could not consequence behavior in the moment. The result of discipline should be about relationship, it is about seeing the child, not the behavior. So I learned to watch my kids and anticipate when they were perking and about to go nuclear. I wanted to interrupt their behavior before it went past the point of no return. I would try to intervene with methods designed to help bring the limbic system back on-line. The disengagement methods below are things that are soothing and will help them relax. They are also for you to disengage. I learned quickly that I needed time to step back and make sure I wasn’t parenting from a place of anger and fear. I needed to parent from a controlled and calm place.
We must look past the behavior (the shark) and see the child (the goldfish).
These methods are not punishment, they are discipline and you need to prepare your kids on these methods. The ultimate goal is for them to realize on their own they are “perking” and learn to regulate themselves. If your child has gone nuclear, you are too late. It is at that point, your goal is to keep everyone safe.
After they have completed the task, they need to rectify whatever they did. This can be done in conjunction with you. If they cannot rectify, this likely means they need more time in disengagement. Remember that the goal of discipline is relationship, not punishment.
Beans
1.Combine uncooked Lima and Black beans into a container.
2.For minor behavioral infractions, have the child separate the beans by color into two small cups.
3.When the cups are full, the discipline is over and the child can return to her activities or amend the behavior that warranted the discipline in the first place.
Bolts
- Combine matching nuts and bolts into a container.
- For minor infractions, have the child screw the bolts together or unscrew them.
- When all the bolts are screwed or unscrewed the discipline is over and the child can return to her activities or amend the behavior.
Sentences – the buts
1.Dispense no more than 5 sentences at the time of a behavioral infraction.
2.The sentence should include what the child is not to do and what behavior would have been appropriate. (Example – I will not write all over the wall, but I will use paper).
3.Avoid power struggles in which she may challenge parents to give her more sentences.
4. Discipline teaches without anger, therefore, it does not damage self-esteem.
5. Suspend privileges until the sentences are completed at a proficient level.
